Bhagavan and Relationships

Q: You give such importance to relationships. No amount of trying to understand seems to help. People are as far away from each other as ever, even in their most intimate relationships, would you please educate us on the right course of action?
Bhagavan: "You suffer because you try to understand. Trying to understand and finding fault would never help. It is like peeling an onion, you could keep on peeling and arrive nowhere. If you were to read psychology or philosophy to try to explain understand the other, there is no hope for you. You judge bx you do not feel connected to the other. If only you would have learnt the art of experiencing the other, whether your spouse, parent or child - you would be in joy. I often give an example of a strange couple I met. He was a dean of a medical college, she was a vegetable vendor. He was handsome, well-read, cultured and prosperous. And she was the opposite. There marriage was strange because they got into an agreement before marriage that neither would ask the other to change. He experiences her wild and rustic ways, while she experiences his dignity and calmness. Neither trying to change the other. It is one of the most successful marriages I have ever seen. 25 yrs of marriage, they still have life in their relationship. If you could experience your wife as she nags, screams or yells at you, that would be most beautiful Similarly as your husband bothers, troubles you or is indifferent, if you could experience him without trying to change him, you would experience joy. This is the only way you could set right your relationships bx relationships then become a source of joy. If you know this art of experiencing your spouse, you are then not only happy with your spouse, you are happy with everything in life. You would then experience a cup of coffee, the banana you eat, and your everyday morning walk - you would know you are walking in heaven - it might look difficult to you, well it is not!"

Q: What do you mean when you say life is relationships, could you please throw more light on this?
Bhagavan: "What else is life, if not relationships? Could you conceive of yourself without any relationship whatsoever. You arise in relationship with your father, mother, brother, child, husband, education, nation, gender, home. In fact you are relationships. If you remove all these relationships, where are you? Think about it and find out if you exist or not. Bhagavan, world over there is apprehension of the growing violence and ever increasing wars. The reasons have always been political, religious and likewise. What would we as individuals do to stop these calamities? Why do wars and calamities happen, they happen because human beings are violent. We are not talking of individual human beings, we are talking about humanity as a whole. What is the amount of violence each of you has. Each one of you is a divided house, there is conflict in you, there is violence in you, there is hatred in you. It is this that erupts as wars, communal conflict, drought, flood or any kind of calamity. You could even destroy the earth if you wanted to from you violence. The external world merely reflects your inner world. That is why we tell you to improve your relationships. If there is love and peace within you, very naturally the environment would also change. The atrocities you come across would cease to exist. If people change, the world would change. Otherwise you would destroy yourselves. It is your conflict that is erupting, through a terrorist or tyrant. Just like water flowing through a weak pipe, would burst out somewhere - so as the collective violence of humanity would emerge through an individual or a group. There is only one mind and each of you is a part and parcel of this one mind, do not blame someone else, you are responsible, if you would discover this, the world would certainly be a better place."

Q: Bhagavan, what is the most important factor in keeping a good relationship with one's parents?
Bhagavan: "The basic thing you must know is that whatever they, as parents, have done to you, whatever you do not approve of, was not that they did willfully; they were made to do those things because they were being controlled by several factors. You must realize that you are nothing but robots. You are a robot and your parent is a robot. If you can see that, you wouldn't blame them at all. The way they behave with you would depend on what happened while they were in their mother's womb, their fundamental childhood decisions, past life vasanas, later day conditioning etc. If you realize this, then would come acceptance, then would come love and the relationship falls into order. Once the relationship falls into order, everything else falls into order."

One of the fundamental teachings of the Dharma is to set right relationships. Exactly how can we improve or set right our relationships?
Bhagavan: "It is essential for you to first understand that “ Life is relationships”. Now coming to your question how to improve relationships? The problem of relationships cannot be solved through psychology. All effort to understand the other person completely can never help. It is like peeling an onion. As you go on peeling an onion nothing remains. Say, you are eating khova (a south Indian sweet dish), you don’t try to understand, but just experience the eating of khova. In the same way, you need to experience the other person just as he or she is. A husband trying to analyse or understand his wife will take him nowhere. “Analysis leads to paralysis”. Everybody is constantly trying to understand, analyse, judge others while struggling to change the other person. Unfortunately, people fail to realize that this is impossible as all of you are like computers who have been programmed and hence have no free will of your own. Your past lives, birth traumas, childhood, education, culture and all your conditionings are in possession of you and your lives. Your life flows according to this program. So, when you are trying to understand and change the other person; it is only one program trying to alter another program. This game goes on from birth to death. Supposing you are going to a movie everyday, hoping that there will be a new ending, a new climax. Will it really change? All of you are trying to change each other in the same way! What you need to do is experience the other person fully. When the husband returns home to find his wife screaming; he must experience her like watching a movie or drinking a glass of juice. What happened? Why it happened? Why is her nature that way cannot be really known. Remember, it is like peeling an onion. If you experience – life becomes Joy! It does not matter what the event is. You have to only experience the program. Stop judging and being critical. When you experience the other person, you would know exactly how to respond. Abraham Lincoln was shot. Who is to be blamed? The person who shot him, the person who made the gun, or the person who invented it or somebody else. No person can really be blamed, for, a situation is dependent on so many factors. It is not possible to pinpoint a single reason. If you look at The Bible, it also tells us “ Judge not least ye be judged”. Unless something happens to the program itself, say through Grace, nothing can change. If the wife screams, experience it… is it possible? Thousands have done it. It is simple and practical. If you experience people, your heart flowers and synchronises with Earth’s heartbeat. My Grace flows and your problems would be solved. If you don’t set right your relationships, I really cannot help you to the extent I want to help you. So start experiencing people and events."